Earning Submission
When you think of submission within a power exchange relationship, what do you picture? Do you envision a man dressed-up in a French maid’s outfit performing house hold chores while his Mistress relaxes? Or perhaps you visualize a woman in a collar and leash being led by her Dominant, obediently following every order she’s given? Maybe your idea of submission is as simple as following through on a command? Whether your idea of submission is simple or complex, there’s a variety of ways to perform acts of submission. Nevertheless, the mind state or altered state of consciousness that can sometimes accompany submission is far from simple. Achieving subspace – the frame of mind that occurs through submission – takes time and tender development. Same goes for the Dominant; achieving Domspace is no easy task. The Dominant in the relationship must earn the submission from the sub just as the sub must earn the ability to submit to the Dominant; these situations are never one sided. The act of submission within power exchange relationships isn’t simply just bending to their will – it’s a heartfelt desire to be under another’s control and in regards to the Dominant – a desire to control and have responsibility over another
Submission as a Gift:
Submission is never commanded or taken against one’s will. On the contrary, submission is a gift; an act that’s earned, that is given, yearned for and passionately desired. Submission is a frame of mind, a willingness to renounce control of one’s life and fall into the hands of a Dominant, even if it’s just for the duration of a scene. Earning submission requires transparency, honesty, respect, vulnerability and trust. Successfully earning submission takes time and tender loving care because trust is the foundation of intimacy, and building solid trust does not happen overnight. You don’t just meet a Dominant in webcam chat or IRL and jump right into submission. Submission is a gift earned over time by both Dominant and submissive.
On Earning Submission from a Dominant’s POV:
The journey to submission begins with clear concise communication, like the majority of other BDSM and fetish play activities. Total transparency in regards to desires, interests, hard limits and boundaries is paramount to successful submission. The Dominant and submissive must figure out if there’s a good chemistry between them, and must see if they have any fetish or BDSM interests in common. Earning the gift of submission beings here; the Dominant must earn the sub’s trust and respect, something that takes place through dialogue. The Dominant must fuel the flame that motivates the sub’s desire to be out of control, making them want to be under the Dominant’s care and direction. In accepting submission, the Dominant assumes a lot of responsibility. In allowing submission, the Dominant agrees to take care of the sub and keep them happy. This involves constantly checking on their emotional and physical states; are they happy, sad, confused, agitated, numb, or excited? Did the sub enjoy the scene? Why or why not? What kind of non-verbal cues did the sub exhibit during the scene? If the sub is unhappy, confused, etc. how can this feeling be remedied? In accepting submission as a gift, the Dominant commits to taking care of the submissive in all aspects.
The Dominant must not only take care of the submissive, but also keep them entertained through tasks and/or play. This can take place in an infinite number of ways, depending on how creative both Dominant and submissive want to be. This also places another level of responsibility on the Dominant, making sure their sub stays fulfilled, emotionally and physically. Here are a few different scenarios a Dominant could construct for a submissive that display different levels of submission:
- Simple commands – stand up straight, present yourself on all fours, only wear blue on Wednesdays, only speaking when spoken to, etc.
- Dietary restrictions, homework (research, etc.), writing out submissive desires, writing out fantasies, etc.
- Financial control, budgeting controlled by Dominant, daily commands like exercising for at least 30 minutes a day, etc.
- In scene/webcam chat: Orgasm control and cum denial, humiliation, self-bondage, JOI, SPH, CBT, pain play, impact play, sissy training, cuckolding, cum-eating, chastity training, and the list goes on. It’s most common to see submission in play scenes.
- The most intense form of submission is a 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationship where the sub is in submission 100% of the time, always at the whim of the Dominant. These types of relationships can be somewhat difficult to nurture, so in the lifestyle they are few and far between.
The Dominant is responsible for stimulating the sub’s desire to submit, whether it is through sexual or non-sexual acts, and the sub is responsible for pretty much just submission in whatever form. Both parties are responsible for being honest, truthful, trustworthy, respectful, and vulnerable enough to create a unique and exhilarating experience.
On Earning Submission from a sub’s POV:
The submissive must trust in the Dominant to take care of them, to always keep the sub’s well-being a #1 priority. The submissive must allow themselves to be vulnerable, to be honest about their desires and intentions. The sub must be open, mentally, emotionally and physically in a way that allows the Dominant’s prowess to penetrate their being, to affect them in a sensual way that makes them want to obey. Submission from the POV of the sub is a very sacred realm. For some, submission involves letting yourself become vulnerable in ways you’ve never experienced before, a vulnerability that is fragile and needs to be handled with tender loving care.
Finding a Dominant with whom you have a genuine connection with can be difficult, and sometimes even more difficult to confide in that Dominant your Fetish and BDSM desires. The submissive must trust in the Dominant fully in order to genuinely open up about their submissive desires. In trusting and opening up to the Dominant, the submissive feels more secure in their own desires and accepted by the Dominant. This is the beginning of the journey of earning submission from a Dominant.
Submission as Privilege:
Submission between a Dom and sub doesn’t begin when discussing interests, desires and limits; the Dominant will not ask for submission until they believe the submissive has earned the privilege. Submission is a privilege that is received once the sub has proved to the Dominant that they are worthy of submission. This often happens through consistency; consistent conversation, consistent trust and respect, consistent evidence that the sub is serious about their desire to submit. Can the submissive handle different levels of submission? Can the submissive follow basic tasks? Why does the submissive desire to submit? True submission involves being of service to the Dominant, does this align with the sub’s intentions? How can this specific sub’s submission be of service to the Dominant? Are the sub’s intentions selfless or selfish? The Dominant is responsible for leading the submissive on the journey, a privilege that the submissive must be able to handle selflessly.
Submission is a privilege in the sense that the Dominant will take on the responsibility of the sub’s well-being, both in play and outside of it. It’s a privilege to be under the control of the Dominant, to be worry free and not have to make any decisions. It’s a privilege to be of service to the Dominant, to please them and make them happy. It’s a privilege to be taken on a submissive journey and prepped for subspace. It is even more of a special right to actually achieve subspace through the guidance of a Dominant. If the submissive doesn’t prove to the Dominant that they are worthy of submission, they will not receive such privilege
Submission via Webcam:
Earning submission via webcam is much the same; submission is both a privilege and a gift. In fetish webcam chat with a Dominant, the submissive must prove their worth and their genuine desire to submit. As such, the Dominant must also earn the gift of submission; they must earn the sub’s trust, respect, and vulnerability.
The journey to submission via webcam chat begins in open chat, where the submissive locates a Dominant of their choosing and begins to explore chemistry. For submissives, open chat is a great place for you to express kinky desires and your ultimate goal of submission. A Dominant may or may not give you their attention in open chat, so a great way to make sure you catch their attention is through a tip tribute. Tip tribute an impressive amount to show your Dominant that you are serious about your submissive desires and would like to discuss submission; this will usually get conversation going in the right direction. If you plan on having a lengthy discussion about your desires to submit, ask the Dominant if you can take them into private chat – another way to prove your sincerity.
Once in private chat, be honest with your Dominant about you desires, intentions, ect. and they will return the same transparent respect. Give them examples of submission fantasies you have or ask for other ways they’ve had subs submit in the past. Find a middle ground and negotiate acts of submission that you’re both pleased with. Discuss boundaries and hard limits that you don’t want to cross – give the Dominant as much information you can to help them guide you to subspace through submission.
Once the Dominant believes you are ready for submission, you will begin your journey.
